Beauty.

I once created a quote for myself that was this: “Beauty is underrated”. I never wanted to really utter those words out loud, out of fear that I’d unintentionally sound vain. But I’ve finally found the meaning behind that phrase that gives the idea sense….

Right now I’m holding a beautiful, beautiful little girl. She smiles with her eyes and her toothless mouth. She laughs when you sneak up to her and tickle her belly. Her tiny fingers clench around my wrists as I type. Her pretty little fingernails softly scrape my skin as she clenches and releases her precious little hands. She doesn’t really cry unless she ABSOLUTELY has to… She loves life, even at her tiny size. She loves exploring the world with her eyes because that’s about all she can do at the time. Someday soon, this beautiful, little girl will be sitting up and crawling- lighting up the entire room still with her smile. Her dark eyes sparkle with delight when I smack kisses on her cheeks. This girl is BEAUTIFUL!

We have a boy here who has a cerebral palsy. He LOVES being sung to and held. He smiles the sweetest smile when you give him love and attention. He wants you just to talk to him and involve him in what you are doing. The strength of his happiness is incredible. He suffers from exhausting seizures and not having parents to rub his back, but his is undeniably going to inherit so much in Heaven someday. This boy… this boy has a BEAUTIFUL spirit.

A boy lives here who I’m honestly addicted to his smile. I could spend all day trying to make him giggle the goofiest laugh that he possesses just to watch him scrunch up his face into the happiest state! His tiny legs wobble when I help him stand, but I’m positive he’ll be golden at standing and independently walking too soon! He has huge brown eyes and curls far prettier than ever seen on a girl! He is BEAUTIFUL!

There is a woman who comes in on a regular basis for assistance with medications. Her joy in life despite her very hard circumstances blows me away. She is totally and completely a peaceful woman in the sense that you feel at rest around her. She is filled with a lasting joy. She is, from the inside to the outside, BEAUTIFUL.

I know some pretty adorable boys here. And when I say adorable, I mean to the extreme. These two in particular are twin brothers and they are chunky, chunky babies. They make quite an impression on me because of their laidback sense of happiness. They giggle during hair washing when others would cry. They scoot around and try to stand up or explore their world- capturing hearts along the way. And they are heavy… heavy, heavy, heavy. I love carrying them around on my hip because they are just so solid! Needless to say, these guys are, I’ll switch it up, HANDSOME!

The other morning I took a walk as the sun was coming up. There was fog that was slowly disappearing as the sunlight chased it away. The mountains were luminous. Farmers were out hard at work in their fields. It was peaceful. Quiet. And Beautiful.

My dad has worked hard his whole life to give us a solid foundation for an honest life. He took us on adventures, held us when we cried, and loved us unconditionally. My dad is a really beautiful person. My mom is physically gorgeous. People always say this. But far beyond that, she gave up her entire life for her children. She sacrificed and sacrificed more until it hurt. She loved us, and she wanted us to know that. She wanted us to learn, be productive and intelligent, make wise choices, and have the best life she could give us. My mom is an incredibly beautiful person. My little sister Tessa is physically one of the cutest people you’ll ever meet. But she’s deep. She cares about people until it brings tears. Her patience and attitude in life carry her spirit to bring joy to peoples’ lives. She is without a doubt a beautiful person. My older brother loves his wife in a way that sets a high standard for everyone else, my sister-in-law courageously encourages when no one else will, my older sister puts “sister-time” on a whole new level, and her husband’s character and essence with people is unlike any other. My family is BEAUTIFUL!!!

I bet you can say the same about so much in your life. You have mothers, fathers, sisters, friends, stranger who you pass by… beautiful people. People who inspire rest by the character they possess. Sights that stop you in your tracks. Music that you replay over and over. Things that you can’t explain the “why” behind the reason they relax you or give you strength. But beauty is just that… and that is why it is underrated. True beauty should be sought after every day to bring the element of inspiration, gratitude, and amazement to our lives.

The reason I’m writing a blog about beauty is because I started reading a book called “Captivating”. It cultivated some thoughts about beauty, but what I learned in that book was something I wanted to share. It spoke about how women need and want to feel beautiful. That is the essence of a woman in fact. She wants to feel pursued, treasured, and lovely. It made me think about some of the modern day men. I feel like sometimes they miss that--- they stop pursuing their “princess” and stop going to great lengths to win over their hearts. Women deeply desire a man who does will stop at nothing to hold their precious soul for their time on this earth. The book also described how a man’s deepest desire is to be appreciated and supported. To not be stripped of their masculinity or made to feel anything less than a hero. They want to feel strong, successful, and important. They want a true woman, and women want a true man. This book goes into depth about God and how He helps fulfill us, but these opening thoughts in the book left a lasting impression on me. I thought a lot about just the modern day loss of the “beauty” and the “hero”. Over the past few years, I started thinking that what I needed to be was busy all the time, and always having important things to do. But this book taught me about how a beautiful characteristic in a woman is instead a sense of rest and peace… which I started to think about and, to my surprise, I realized how true this was. Women, no matter their personalities, are lovely when they bring nurture to those around them. My mom does, my aunts do, my friends do…. But then again, I DO know some beautiful women!! These women care for those in their lives, and far beyond deserving of being pursued by the man who loves them until their dying day. The men I know ARE in fact heroes—they provide, protect, provide adventure, and keep the world safe. They should be appreciated to no end, be told how needed they are, and feel supported every day.

I understand I’m hardly one to have experienced life enough to speak on this topic. But that’s sort of the BEAUTY (ha!) of it.. I haven’t become bitter from days gone by quite yet. I learn from the wiser, and try to understand this area of life before I find myself in a situation which I struggle to handle. I wish I could proclaim it from the mountaintops… WOMEN: Appreciate your men and support them! MEN: Make your woman feel like the most gorgeous woman in all the land, and pursue her with everything you’ve got!

I’ll start to sum up with this… This morning I went for a walk again. As I was in my own world thinking, I noticed a boy walking towards me who was missing his forearm. My mind immediately went to feeling sorry for him, thinking about how hard it must be for him to live like that. I’d imagine the ridicule he’d face at his young age. But as we were about to walk right past each other, he shyly glanced up. For just two seconds, I saw the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen in my life. His eyes were a golden brown, and GLOWING in the sunlight. They had a black rim around them. For the next ten minutes, I kept thinking about how incredibly gorgeous this young boy’s eyes were. It made me think again of beauty… if we choose to see people at the splendor they were created with, or if we always jump to feel pity for what we see as not whole about them.

Beauty is seeing something at the value that God created it to be. Beauty is appreciating what is actually there. It rest when you are weary of life. It is joy when hope seems bleak. Beauty is sunsets and sunrises, beaches and deserts, people and animals. It is tears when true devastation exists, it is the first smile a tiny baby sneaks at you, it is life after death, joy after pain, and hope after losing after losing everything. I’m learning a lot of things in Haiti, but I’ve certainly been learning more about beauty than I planned. Beauty is often vain, empty, ignored, or forgotten after years pass by. But it never should be tossed aside so carelessly because beauty is the essence of a woman, the design behind creation, and the fuel for a better life. Beautiful places and people with beautiful souls experience growth and resounding sustainability. It is the answer to prayers. Beauty IS underrated.

And I'd like to introduce you....

I would like to introduce you to one of the most precious little girls in the world. “I love her” does not sufficiently cover how excited I get when I see her. I literally could jump, scream, spin around in circles, and laugh all at once when I see her tiny body. And when we go a step beyond that and I get to HOLD her…. My heart just beat out of my chest! I can’t quite explain why, but I truly do look forward to seeing this gorgeous girl with a crazy amount of anticipation. Just by looking at her you might understand why…..

This is Udashka. This is Udashka when I first came to Haiti about a month ago. She turns six months old in May, but weighs less than a newborn baby. She came to Children of the Promise with her sweet mother, concerned about her very tiny baby. She was not able to breastfeed, but loved her daughter with all her heart. She was wondering if we could help her find a haven of health for Udashka. Thankfully COTP has an incredible program called the Formula Program, where mothers with stories like this can find a piece of hope. We admitted Udashka into the program, which meant she would come back every two weeks to get a check-up and formula to supplement her feedings. I am not kidding when I tell you how much I look forward to seeing Udashka--- this girl totally has what it takes to steal my heart! Picking her up reminds me of picking up a newborn kitten (in the sense that you don’t even think they weigh anything at all….).  

Well Udashka recently came in for her check-up and more formula—Just a month later she already was filling out beautifully! What she still had was the same look in her eyes that I can’t even believe exists in a baby… it makes me think she’s already trying to figure out life and the world at only a few months old!

Lives like this are inescapably beautiful. Priceless. A piece of Heaven here on earth. Why? The goodness and innocence of a life not yet marred by days gone by. The wonder of the legacy she will leave. The lives she will touch, and the subsequent rippling effect of changed attitudes and circumstances. All because God saw her worth and provided for her when she was skin and bones….

I’d also like to introduce you to a gorgeous girl who found herself with fevers, swollen cheeks, and a father who loved her so much. I walked up to a father and little girl sitting outside the baby house—he was holding her closely and his eyes pleaded for help. She was sitting on his lap with a cloth tied around her cheeks and head like a headband. It was a tattered cloth, and I know they did not have much, but she still came wearing the best dress she had. Haitians do this. When they come to see us, the little girls put on dresses that look like the ones I used to wear to Easter services. They may only have that ONE dress, but it is adorable how they save it for special occasions like this. This father made a smile sneak across my face because he reminded me of my own dad. My own dad would hold me when I felt sick, and he would fight to figure out what I needed to get better. My parents would not ever want to see me suffer, and neither did this concerned dad carefully holding his daughter that day. I just wanted to commend him on his love for his baby girl….

Now if you remember last week I told a story about a boy who needed an IV… well yesterday, they made the long trek to come see me again to follow up. As soon as I saw the mom, I just had to give her a huge hug. This woman is a good person. And her children are amazing as well. They came in to get a second dose of medicine for scabies and more soap and simple remedies for their skin. The boy who once looked like he was about to lose his life to dehydration now smiled, glowing with health. I couldn’t believe the healing of the skin of the children who once had pretty severe infected sores on their entire bodies. I also couldn’t believe how great it was to see them again! I shared their story with a volunteer who was here…

We spent some time talking with them. They clung to the love that filled that room. When it came time to return to work and for them to leave, quiet tears started streaming down the girls’ faces. I am not sure how to process these types of things. I guess I learned something that day… I cannot help every family. But with one or two families, maybe I can go deep in showing them that I care. This family reminded me of the lyric of a song… “Everyone deserves compassion, the kindness of a Savior”. I learned that it isn’t just watching a medical condition change. It is more so the experience of knowing they are valued.

Finally, I’d like to introduce you to a final thought I have learned this week. I would not consider myself very gifted. I’m serious. I am nowhere near Amy’s natural ability in nursing or language skills in community in Creole with Haitians. I truly have been finding myself being humbled every day when I realize my shortcomings. They never cease to find me out. Dwelling on only that thought, it can discourage me. But my job here is not just being a nurse….

So what is it then? Well…. my job is talking. Something I’ve found I can do what feels like endlessly. I spent a great deal of time recently just listening and sharing. Encouraging and being encouraged. Loving and being loved. Hugging and rubbing backs. With college kids here serving on spring break… with moms and dads and families volunteering together… with church groups… with little Haitian kids and grandparents. Before I came to Haiti, I thought my job would be essentially purely medical. But God has opened up thousands of doors of simply working with people, which I LOVE!!! I mean, I LOOOOOVE people. I love talking to people and getting to know who they are. I get to orient people to COTP! I get to introduce lives to other lives! I get to smile, laugh, and feel so connected with them all. I get to ask questions. I get to interact with people on all sorts of levels. This makes me feel incredibly joyous!

For example, this past week I got to take a few hours off to go to the Citadel, which is a huge treat! This adventure involved my favorite thing: HIKING! It is a fortress built for a king, and it is a steep hiking up a rocky road to get there. The sights are unbelievable.

As it just so happened, I was invited to go with a group of college students who were volunteering building a house on their spring break. I was excited to be around their energy and passion, and they were just so filled with appreciation to be in Haiti! I spent the morning and early afternoon bonding with them—talking about hard times and experiences that make up life, but underlying it all- the crazy joy of following God. That’s when it occurred to me… my job in Haiti is essentially just working with people. Everyone and anyone. Connecting with lives… having conversations that lead to big thoughts… learning myself about marriage, love, and integrity. Hearing statements like “I’m just CRAZY about her honestly” in response to a question about how a man still stares at his wife with goo-goo eyes after years and years. People… I’ve decided that’s my true job! J

My first "jungle" adventure

Words cannot ever sufficiently describe the life and work here in Haiti. There are no expressions strong enough to describe what the emotions and realizations I am having here…. But there are stories… and here is another one…

This morning a mother and her three small children were waiting to be seen at the gate. The kids were covered in pus filled sores, and my thoughts were that itching + filthy living conditions = infected sores EVERYWHERE. All the children were covered in them, which made me think maybe it was originally chicken pox that turned disastrous. The concern of the mother for her children was incredible so I brought her and her children back to get medicine for them. At her home, she said she did not even have soap. Soap. One of the most simple basic living needs and they didn’t even have a bit of it. I showed her how to use soap and medicine and gave her what she would need for the next few weeks of healing.

But then………. she proceeded to tell me that she had another son at home who was so sick for two weeks that he couldn’t even get up or walk. She explained she would have brought him in to see me today but he could not make the journey to our compound. It made me wonder just how far she walked to get there this morning. But more so, it struck my heart as something just “terribly wrong”. Her son experienced diarrhea for two weeks and was so sick to the point that he couldn’t even walk. At 12 years old, even a boy who was sick should probably still be able to get up. But fevers and diarrhea had this boy bed stricken for two weeks. I was not sure exactly how it would work, but I knew that we had to go to his home to evaluate his condition and take him IV fluids.

I was so thankful when Nick suggested taking two “motos” to take the family and myself to where they lived. Up until this day, I have not really been outside the gate much at all, let alone go to any neighboring villages! But today was the day, and I packed up my medical supplies in a bag and jumped on the back of a moto to go on my first village adventure. The whole ride there, my mind could not even begin to fathom how this family (and every other family that has long a long commute to COTP) made the trek on foot. They do walk in the extreme heat on sharp rocks- sometimes barefoot.  Mothers carry babies in their arms for miles and miles and children tag along the long journey. All just to seek the simple and basic medical care we can help provide. Honestly it is humbling to think how much they go through to come see us. It made me re-evaluate how I treat the families that come through the gate… Sometimes I am too rushed and busy to give them the proper attention that they deserve. After seeing exactly what they go through to get to COTP, I feel like giving each one of them every ounce of attention I can muster up.

Once we arrived where the mother directed us to stop, we followed a dirt path back to her home. There he was: lying sunken-eyed with dehydration on a pile of clothes on the ground outside the home. He felt like his fever was still exhausting his body. The boy was very weak, but the mother wanted him to sit up in a chair so I could evaluate him—Haitians want their children to behave excellently and do whatever makes it easiest for us. I didn’t stop her as she direct him to the chair. Then I realized just HOW dehydrated he was… his lips were cracked, his eyes sunken in, and his skin extremely dry. He could barely respond to questions and desperately needed fluid. I asked the mom if she had water, food, anything… but she did not. By this time, a large “crowd” of children and adults had gathered around us, peering over shoulders to watch the American fumble through my bag figuring out what I was going to do. Wilson, the amazing Haitian who works at COTP who drove the motorcycle here for me, went to buy water while I got out the supplies for an IV. Normally I don’t shake like I did today when I started that IV, but the large group of expectant people made me feel quite nervous honestly. My heart was pounding because these people were watching me extremely closely, trusting me to help this boy. Thankfully, by God’s grace, the IV was started without any problems and we mixed up Pedialyte for the boy to start drinking too. He had a long way to go until he was hydrated again. Because he hadn’t eaten for days either, we gave him crackers. Force feeding is… well fun, let’s call it!  

This whole time I kept thinking and praying about what happened today. I couldn’t believe just a month ago I was sitting on my couch still suffering from bad swelling in my knee back in the US, and today… today I was kneeling on the ground starting an IV on a severely ill boy laying essentially in dirt, who lived in poverty beyond what I could comprehend! Not only was I out in the middle of a bunch of huts made of scrap metal, I had gotten here on a MOTO with my nursing bag slung over my shoulder! When I took community health, I remember thinking that this type of situation would be the ultimate nursing! And yes, now I know… IT WAS!

Because the liter of fluids was probably going to take a few hours to infuse, we decided to go back to COTP to work until noon. I was so thankful that we actually did follow our gut to come help this boy. Who knows what would have happened with him! He didn’t have any food, or water… and he was burning through the last of his health with the fever.

A few hours later, Rene (another RN), her husband, and I jumped on a moto to go see if the fluids were done infusing. Again I was absolutely astonished how far this woman had walked with her tiny children! I walked up and saw him sitting there- brighter-eyed and responding to questions while his IV was still infusing. While he looked worlds better, his pulse still felt faint. We decided to let the fluids infuse a little bit more so the woman was gracious enough to bring us chairs to sit on. None of them (and by them, I mean the huge group that came again to see us) had chairs to sit on, but the women sacrificed the few chairs she could find for US. It never ceases to amaze me how thoughtful they are that way. We don’t need anything and they have nothing, but they still share what they can every chance they get. Then she offered to show us her “home”. This was something I had been waiting to experience for quite some time… I FINALLY got to see how the Haitians actually lived. We walked inside humble hut and she showed us where they slept. On dirt. And where they cooked. On dirt. Where they played. On dirt. There were no beds, no bathroom, no kitchen, no toys, no blankets, no sheets, no clothes. Nothing. There were only simple dirt walls and dried leaves for the roof. But she proudly showed us where she raised her family, and we loved every second of it! Then a teenage girl came rushing in with a card and letter in English that a family had sent her, asking if we could translate it for her. I couldn’t translate every word, but Rene and I managed to tell her the jist of what was said. A family in the US had composed incredible letters of care and concern for this girl who they never met. Her face lit us as she heard the words written just for her, and she proudly showed us the photo that they sent to her of their family. By the way she pointed out who was who, it was like they were her best friends!

By this time, we knew we needed to get back to COTP so we assessed the boy again to see if we could discontinue his IV. Finally his pulse was strong again and he was able to get up and move around. My heart was filled to the brim with joy!!!! The way the mother said “Merci” time after time.. the look in her eyes of pure gratefulness stopped me in my tracks a bit. The look in her eye portrayed this woman’s sense of importance when someone would come all the way to her home to help her. She was not brushed off or told to go away. I am so proud and THANKFUL to work at a place that allows justice to be served like this. Just as we were waving goodbye, Conner came up with the brilliant idea to pray out loud with this group of people and for the boy. We stood in a circle and Rene praised God in Creole. It is a powerful moment to be standing in the middle of a village like this and praying in their language to a God they know helps them.

We returned with overflowing hearts and joy. There were more sick babies to be seen at the gate, but thankfully we were able to help the ones who needed it. I love that about COTP!!! We are incredibly blessed to have the resources and I never want to take that for granted. If we have the supplies to start an IV on a severely dehydrated boy and the motrin to give him for his fever, then I’d be so sad to ever turn him away. So this is the story of my first “jungle” adventure (we’ll just call it that, even though it is not really a jungle here..). At 22 years old, I got to pack up medical supplies, jump on the back of a moto, fly down rocky roads, start an IV outside of a dirt hurt surrounded by people, and watch a life be touched by the love of God. Needless to say, this is the adventure of a lifetime……

No mama, no papa

A pretty exceptional day was had today...

I've always been vocal about my passion for orphans, but today was a whole new level of realization.

About a week ago, I met a pastor who had opened up his church to take in children whose parents died in the Port Au Prince earthquake a year ago. He had about 35 orphans under his care right now, and recently, many had fallen ill. They were experiencing fevers, but all he had for remedy was less than one bottle of Tylenol. He didn't have a thermometer, much shampoo for the many fungal infections on their scalps, or any other true resources for their medical care. Amy and I both jumped to the same thought... we needed to assess these children and take them from our pharmacy that we thought would be useful for them. We packed up boxes of supplies, not exactly sure what to expect when we actually arrived.

We ended up having two extra nurses staying here that were eager to go help on this adventure, so we were extra thankful for that! When we walked up, a group of gorgeous children were sitting outside the church... politely replying "Bonjou". That was the moment I knew today was going to be a GOOD day! We set up our "nursing stations" and turned around to see this sight.....

My face HAD to light up, because I was so excited to get to spend the day with these girls! The lines formed to be seen, and the nannies wasted no time switching out the children as soon as they had their diagnosis and medicine. Fungal infections of the scalp were numerous, as well as fevers and coughs. Here and there would  be allergies, ear infections, and worms, but thankfully the kids seemed to be on the downhill side of the peak of illness.

Now I have to share something so precious about these children, and actually most Haitian children. They are so timid and polite at first that the speak in the quietest and sweetest voices that I've ever heard. I'd literally be pushing my ear up next to their mouth in order to hear what they were saying. They look at you with the most shy eyes. They whisper "merci" in the softest voice to say thank you. But just give them a few minutes... by the time we were leaving, we honestly could barely pull the mob of children off us. It is one of my favorite things about the children here....

11 am turned into 2:30 pm in what felt like minutes... Children far too adorable for words one by one had found some of type of comfort. We ended up having the honor of treating those who attended the church as well to the best our ability. But here is where the day truly started.....

 I walked outside to take some pictures and was swarmed by bright little faces. They weren't sure about the camera at first, but as soon as I turned the camera around for them to see their incredible picture, their smiles burst through and they jumped up and down with excitement. ALL of them would scramble to get in each picture. When I get home, I'll post the pictures when I can actually upload a lot of them at a time.. but for now just know that the once timid children were now embracing me from every angle.

Now I'm a nurse and I am so thankful for the opportunities it provides, yet I'll be honest... I FAR MORE love what happened over the next moments! I got to hold them. If holding orphans was a professional job, I'd never have a moment where I didn't feel essential and so happy I could burst!!! I held the happy ones, the quiet ones, the beautiful girls, and the handsome boys. One by one I'd just stare at them and just "love" them more than I thought possible. Some of them were so thin, some of them had empty eyes, some of them just relished in the attention. Then it happened... I walked up to a boy who had the saddest look in his eyes that I've seen in quite some time. He was probably too "grown up" to be picked up and held by me (probably 7 years old) , but it didn't stop me. I was so drawn to him and just held him close for a few minutes. I sat down and put him on my lap so I could talk to him and hear his ever quiet voice. I said "Ou tris?" (are you sad?), and softly whispered "Wi" (yes). My heart broke. I asked "Poukisa ou tris?" (Why are you sad?). The next moments uncovered that he missed his mama and his papa. He did not miss them for just a moment. He plain didn't have them anymore. He would never have them back actually.... he no longer had someone to pick him up and make him laugh and feel safe and secure every day. In fact, I doubt he ever really got that living with 35 other children. My heart sunk into my stomach and I said some simple words to God.

I'm so thankful he has a place to sleep, some food to eat, and people bathe him. I'm so thankful I got to hold him in that moment of sorrow. I'm so thankful he survived the monstrous earthquake. I hardly could think I actually made a dent in abolishing his sorrow, but maybe he felt God's love around him during a time of loneliness for just a few minutes. That's what I'm truly sent here to do, after all.