Have you ever felt like you didn’t measure up? That you were scared to try because you had just a bit of a fear that your inadequacies would show their face?
I step foot in Haiti in just less than a few days and I’m honestly scared. Terrified. I said it for the first time today out loud, and it feels good to be so truthful with myself. I am not scared of what you may think though; you see the fear actually is that I feel like I am not “good enough” to be there. What if I’m not spiritual enough? I know way too many people whose spiritual walks put mine to pure shame. I’ve messed up so many times and in such big areas of life that surely I’ve gone too far. I seriously can’t be smart enough? So many others have experience and life skills that far exceed mine. What happens when I don’t know what to do when weird medical situations come up that I am just totally overwhelmed by? What if my language skills are suffering because I haven’t studied as much as I should have?
All these things run through my head like a stampede of horses… they are loud and impossible to ignore. My excitement to get back to the country I love is undeniable, but I had to realize something today that I seemed to have forgotten. God has never once asked me to know everything, speak Creole fluently, or never make a medical misjudgment. Never has He asked me to do suffer through something I couldn’t handle. Never once did He ever leave me all alone. He is faithful. Always He is faithful.
I will not let fear of failing or not being "enough" stop me. Nothing was ever accomplished that was not attempted. More importantly, nothing great has happened that didn't first begin with courage. Facing tough things and weaknesses in us pushes us to depend on strength outside of ourselves.
Thankfully, instead of complex standards I could never measure up to, I feel God asked me to do some pretty simple things. He created me to love, and gave me the gift of a heart to serve. So THAT I know I can do well--- I can deeply treasure each baby I hold or child I come across. I can pay attention to those that are hurting and need an advocate. I can converse in broken Creole just enough to let those I’m talking to know I care. I can feed precious mouths, smile for precious eyes, and hold precious hearts close so they feel the love of a God who values them more than we will know this side of life.
Hopefully I WILL learn more each day and become more spiritually sound with passing time… but for right now---
Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)