A whisper as loud as a scream

A poison of the brain. A heart turning viciously inside of a chest. A soul broken by "honesty".

I have recently realized I can be a dangerous person. I mean a really dangerous individual. I subconsciously can be ferocious. I can be fierce. I can be cruel. The urge to be those things can feel unstoppable because it is such a rich source of pleasure…. Fleeting pleasure.

Haiti is a time for me to learn things about myself, and sadly, this is one long-time learned. Ever since I was in junior high, I knew I could be a dangerous girl. Why?  When I was presented with the temptation of a girl’s treacherous path that leads to temporary inflated sense of self, I’d let those cunning words slip from my mouth. Faces would light up with the newest information. Eyes of disgust now had a place to fall upon. It felt guiltless and witty. For a moment that is….

But years of being a fighting one of the most vicious temptations known to the whole women-kind has taught me time and time again that it has to stop. The back-talking. The snide comments. The looks and the eye-rolling. Do I do these things? I love people and I promise I do not want to, but I have heard myself say things I’d never want repeated. I can honestly tell you that this is not who I am and this is not who I was raised to be, but a girl in a girl’s world is faced with gossip every day.

It is a horrifying snake. The temptation to think poor thoughts about someone waits eagerly at your lips. If you open your mouth just wide enough to even whisper a malicious opinion about someone, it can slither out and now it is free. It is free to poison other minds… innocent minds, tempted minds, and sound minds all the same. The damage is done the second it escapes. One thing is for sure… it is toxic and destroying.

So where did all this come from tonight?

I was listening to a song called “How He Loves Us” and a particular lyric set stood out to me this evening…

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us

For whatever reason, the line about the heart turning violently inside of the chest reminded me of the passion we humans possess. Not only the immense capacity of our hearts to love and understand, but also the distressing ability to judge and critique. Hearing this song about God’s irrepressible love made me think about how I view others. His grace to me went to them too. He didn’t choose just me to save. Nor did He choose just me to forgive my shortcomings, humor my mistakes, or adore my gifts and personality. The way He looks at me is exactly the way He looks at everyone else. That does not make me any less special, it just means that the way He views our worth is astonishing in the most paramount fashion. For me to look upon another human being and decide what I do and don’t like about them is a bit absurd. Yet it is far more illogical for me to claim to follow my God passionately and not view the ones He incalculably loves with the most grace-filled eyes.

I don’t know how many times a day you are faced with the same temptation I am. There would never be enough energy to count the times I have stopped respecting someone enough to mar their reputation with my very own lips.

We often feel pity for those with special needs who won’t get the same opportunities in life as we do. But tonight I realized they possess pure souls not stained by the same temptations we succumb to… they will never will hit another person in anger, never will critique someone deserving of respect, and never will knowingly wound the heart of another with cruel words behind their back or just thoughts of judgment. I can think of one boy who lives here in particular who would never do a soul any harm, but always can find a way to light up the whole room with his smile and glowing eyes. There is warmth in him and a light that is hard to explain. There is an incredible blessing to his life.

So here are thoughts from a girl’s world… Men often say women are complicated, so here is a little insight for you. We are continuously tempted with sharp tongues and harsh words; with looks that empower us while destroying the reputation of someone else. It is easier to criticize than appreciate.

But today I’m going to attempt to take something from this…  instead of just singing about how much He loves us, I want to put it into practice. I want to carefully watch the words that fall from my mouth and the thoughts that creep in to judge the ones that grace falls upon. It will be a daily struggle and a relentless battle, but one that I think I’m old enough to fight.

To finish things off in a coherent fashion, I thought I’d like to throw in a picture of a totally random and even more so cute baby for the day…. J! Think of it as your prize for finishing reading my disturbing soul-searching thoughts tonight…