Why love until it hurts?

Here I sit. I have a fever, sweats then chills, utter weakness, and strep bacteria coating my tonsils. I’m exhausted and feeble. Bedridden. I’m worn out and sick. I hurt from body aches, headaches, and knee aches. There is this extreme pain when I swallow.  I want my parents and my dog. I need encouragement from my friends. I desperately need rest.

So why am I so sick? There was a chain of events recently that led to my recent demise of health. They went a little like this….

Sleep is not always impossible to get around here, but that has not been the case in the recent weeks. Night after night of broken periods of sleep have proved their fatal effect on my wellbeing. Please don’t take my next thoughts as complaining because I truly appreciate the opportunity to get to work with such precious children. This is just an honest reality of life here in Haiti some times. The joy always will outweigh the suffering. I hope you see both today.

Marck, our treasured baby who has been living with us with his mom, is still under our roof. Marck H. Finley is undoubtedly adorable. His respiratory symptoms have generally cleared up, but his oxygen saturations have stayed in the low 80’s, even on high levels of oxygen. We suspect that he has a possible heart defect and are working on getting him an echocardiogram to see what we can do to help him. Our love for him is undisputable, but this love has cost us many hours of sleep. Almost every night for the past week and a half, we would be called down to his room to help solve a dropping oxygen mystery. One night, we ended up having to work on him from 2 am until our work began the next morning. Perhaps the sleep deprivation started there…

But why love until it hurts?

He holds his own oxygen mask. His tiny fingers wrap around the tubing or stretch around the mask. I am pretty sure he is about as adorable as they come. He is worth every ounce of energy invested in him to allow him to have a shot at life.

Then two weekends ago there was a trip to Port Au Prince to help a gorgeous girl named Tania get a surgery to close her cleft lip. That night left with me with zero minutes of sleep to add to my account. Her nervous mother played loud music all in response to the fearful unknown of the surgery for her daughter. So why was it worth it to return to Cap Haitian far more exhausted than I left?

Tania can finally eat normal and actually have a chance to grow. At eight months old, her life will be forever changed. She no longer will be shunned or looked at differently. Her wonderful mother now has the opportunity to watch Tania live fully.

The true test of my endurance started on Friday, when the other nurse Amy had to go to the Dominican Republic for several days with two babies who needed heart surgeries. This was the night when I literally got two hours of sleep and had to jump in full force the next morning. The day was busy, but that evening proved to be the most intense. Our little Marck started turning blue and his oxygen saturation started dropping to unbelievable lows. We had every piece of rescue equipment we could find in that room, and he just barely pulled through. The strength of his mother blew me away once again. I do not actually know how Marck survived that episode besides pure prayer. He was against all odds and once again proved to be our Miracle Baby.

The next day all mayhem broke loose when we discovered just how many of our children suddenly were seriously ill. There was vomiting, massive amounts of diarrhea, unbelievably high fevers, and wheezing. A solid number of our children were in desperate need of close monitoring and care. The day was solidly exhausting, but the evening once again came with a collapse. A medically-fragile girl spiked a temperature of 104.7*F and needed to be rushed to the hospital. To describe the admission process at the hospital as frustrating is an understatement. Hours and hours of waiting for someone to care about the extremely delicate health state of our invaluable girl placed its toll on my energy. I just wanted somebody to recognize just how sick she was and how desperately she needed quick intervention. The next morning, we received the phone call that she had passed away. She had passed away. News like this hurts. A lot.

At the same time, we had a small baby who was ill, a malnourished and sickly child suffering from high fevers, and a girl refusing to drink for several days. We were doing everything we could to help restore their health, but it was draining us of everything we had. By Monday afternoon, I started feeling feverish and sick. Within an hour, my temperature quickly rose and I was on the ground shivering under blankets. All this “love” finally took me out once and for all. My body said stop. And it was not going to let me out of it this time. I’ve been in bed ever since.

So why pour your heart into something until it hurts? A greater good. A cause outside of yourself. A opportunity to watch lives transformed. A 6 lbs baby holding his own oxygen mask….

I leave to go home in a matter of hours. I get to hug, cuddle, and find strength and restoration once again in my parents, siblings, friends, and my dog, BENNY!!! For the first time in many weeks, I will finally have a day off. Thank God for love that drove these last few days of chaos, and thank God for the resulting "pain". There is a different appreciation when love hurts or makes you sick. The honest truth is, right now, I am desperate for family. I am desperate for rest.

So here I go on a plane tomorrow to take me to the most wonderful place called home! The chaos will be escaped by me for a few short weeks. I even get to cuddle of with my SOOOOOO CUTE puppy day in and day out.... :) Home sweet home... here I come!