Why love until it hurts?

Here I sit. I have a fever, sweats then chills, utter weakness, and strep bacteria coating my tonsils. I’m exhausted and feeble. Bedridden. I’m worn out and sick. I hurt from body aches, headaches, and knee aches. There is this extreme pain when I swallow.  I want my parents and my dog. I need encouragement from my friends. I desperately need rest.

So why am I so sick? There was a chain of events recently that led to my recent demise of health. They went a little like this….

Sleep is not always impossible to get around here, but that has not been the case in the recent weeks. Night after night of broken periods of sleep have proved their fatal effect on my wellbeing. Please don’t take my next thoughts as complaining because I truly appreciate the opportunity to get to work with such precious children. This is just an honest reality of life here in Haiti some times. The joy always will outweigh the suffering. I hope you see both today.

Marck, our treasured baby who has been living with us with his mom, is still under our roof. Marck H. Finley is undoubtedly adorable. His respiratory symptoms have generally cleared up, but his oxygen saturations have stayed in the low 80’s, even on high levels of oxygen. We suspect that he has a possible heart defect and are working on getting him an echocardiogram to see what we can do to help him. Our love for him is undisputable, but this love has cost us many hours of sleep. Almost every night for the past week and a half, we would be called down to his room to help solve a dropping oxygen mystery. One night, we ended up having to work on him from 2 am until our work began the next morning. Perhaps the sleep deprivation started there…

But why love until it hurts?

He holds his own oxygen mask. His tiny fingers wrap around the tubing or stretch around the mask. I am pretty sure he is about as adorable as they come. He is worth every ounce of energy invested in him to allow him to have a shot at life.

Then two weekends ago there was a trip to Port Au Prince to help a gorgeous girl named Tania get a surgery to close her cleft lip. That night left with me with zero minutes of sleep to add to my account. Her nervous mother played loud music all in response to the fearful unknown of the surgery for her daughter. So why was it worth it to return to Cap Haitian far more exhausted than I left?

Tania can finally eat normal and actually have a chance to grow. At eight months old, her life will be forever changed. She no longer will be shunned or looked at differently. Her wonderful mother now has the opportunity to watch Tania live fully.

The true test of my endurance started on Friday, when the other nurse Amy had to go to the Dominican Republic for several days with two babies who needed heart surgeries. This was the night when I literally got two hours of sleep and had to jump in full force the next morning. The day was busy, but that evening proved to be the most intense. Our little Marck started turning blue and his oxygen saturation started dropping to unbelievable lows. We had every piece of rescue equipment we could find in that room, and he just barely pulled through. The strength of his mother blew me away once again. I do not actually know how Marck survived that episode besides pure prayer. He was against all odds and once again proved to be our Miracle Baby.

The next day all mayhem broke loose when we discovered just how many of our children suddenly were seriously ill. There was vomiting, massive amounts of diarrhea, unbelievably high fevers, and wheezing. A solid number of our children were in desperate need of close monitoring and care. The day was solidly exhausting, but the evening once again came with a collapse. A medically-fragile girl spiked a temperature of 104.7*F and needed to be rushed to the hospital. To describe the admission process at the hospital as frustrating is an understatement. Hours and hours of waiting for someone to care about the extremely delicate health state of our invaluable girl placed its toll on my energy. I just wanted somebody to recognize just how sick she was and how desperately she needed quick intervention. The next morning, we received the phone call that she had passed away. She had passed away. News like this hurts. A lot.

At the same time, we had a small baby who was ill, a malnourished and sickly child suffering from high fevers, and a girl refusing to drink for several days. We were doing everything we could to help restore their health, but it was draining us of everything we had. By Monday afternoon, I started feeling feverish and sick. Within an hour, my temperature quickly rose and I was on the ground shivering under blankets. All this “love” finally took me out once and for all. My body said stop. And it was not going to let me out of it this time. I’ve been in bed ever since.

So why pour your heart into something until it hurts? A greater good. A cause outside of yourself. A opportunity to watch lives transformed. A 6 lbs baby holding his own oxygen mask….

I leave to go home in a matter of hours. I get to hug, cuddle, and find strength and restoration once again in my parents, siblings, friends, and my dog, BENNY!!! For the first time in many weeks, I will finally have a day off. Thank God for love that drove these last few days of chaos, and thank God for the resulting "pain". There is a different appreciation when love hurts or makes you sick. The honest truth is, right now, I am desperate for family. I am desperate for rest.

So here I go on a plane tomorrow to take me to the most wonderful place called home! The chaos will be escaped by me for a few short weeks. I even get to cuddle of with my SOOOOOO CUTE puppy day in and day out.... :) Home sweet home... here I come!

A whisper as loud as a scream

A poison of the brain. A heart turning viciously inside of a chest. A soul broken by "honesty".

I have recently realized I can be a dangerous person. I mean a really dangerous individual. I subconsciously can be ferocious. I can be fierce. I can be cruel. The urge to be those things can feel unstoppable because it is such a rich source of pleasure…. Fleeting pleasure.

Haiti is a time for me to learn things about myself, and sadly, this is one long-time learned. Ever since I was in junior high, I knew I could be a dangerous girl. Why?  When I was presented with the temptation of a girl’s treacherous path that leads to temporary inflated sense of self, I’d let those cunning words slip from my mouth. Faces would light up with the newest information. Eyes of disgust now had a place to fall upon. It felt guiltless and witty. For a moment that is….

But years of being a fighting one of the most vicious temptations known to the whole women-kind has taught me time and time again that it has to stop. The back-talking. The snide comments. The looks and the eye-rolling. Do I do these things? I love people and I promise I do not want to, but I have heard myself say things I’d never want repeated. I can honestly tell you that this is not who I am and this is not who I was raised to be, but a girl in a girl’s world is faced with gossip every day.

It is a horrifying snake. The temptation to think poor thoughts about someone waits eagerly at your lips. If you open your mouth just wide enough to even whisper a malicious opinion about someone, it can slither out and now it is free. It is free to poison other minds… innocent minds, tempted minds, and sound minds all the same. The damage is done the second it escapes. One thing is for sure… it is toxic and destroying.

So where did all this come from tonight?

I was listening to a song called “How He Loves Us” and a particular lyric set stood out to me this evening…

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us

For whatever reason, the line about the heart turning violently inside of the chest reminded me of the passion we humans possess. Not only the immense capacity of our hearts to love and understand, but also the distressing ability to judge and critique. Hearing this song about God’s irrepressible love made me think about how I view others. His grace to me went to them too. He didn’t choose just me to save. Nor did He choose just me to forgive my shortcomings, humor my mistakes, or adore my gifts and personality. The way He looks at me is exactly the way He looks at everyone else. That does not make me any less special, it just means that the way He views our worth is astonishing in the most paramount fashion. For me to look upon another human being and decide what I do and don’t like about them is a bit absurd. Yet it is far more illogical for me to claim to follow my God passionately and not view the ones He incalculably loves with the most grace-filled eyes.

I don’t know how many times a day you are faced with the same temptation I am. There would never be enough energy to count the times I have stopped respecting someone enough to mar their reputation with my very own lips.

We often feel pity for those with special needs who won’t get the same opportunities in life as we do. But tonight I realized they possess pure souls not stained by the same temptations we succumb to… they will never will hit another person in anger, never will critique someone deserving of respect, and never will knowingly wound the heart of another with cruel words behind their back or just thoughts of judgment. I can think of one boy who lives here in particular who would never do a soul any harm, but always can find a way to light up the whole room with his smile and glowing eyes. There is warmth in him and a light that is hard to explain. There is an incredible blessing to his life.

So here are thoughts from a girl’s world… Men often say women are complicated, so here is a little insight for you. We are continuously tempted with sharp tongues and harsh words; with looks that empower us while destroying the reputation of someone else. It is easier to criticize than appreciate.

But today I’m going to attempt to take something from this…  instead of just singing about how much He loves us, I want to put it into practice. I want to carefully watch the words that fall from my mouth and the thoughts that creep in to judge the ones that grace falls upon. It will be a daily struggle and a relentless battle, but one that I think I’m old enough to fight.

To finish things off in a coherent fashion, I thought I’d like to throw in a picture of a totally random and even more so cute baby for the day…. J! Think of it as your prize for finishing reading my disturbing soul-searching thoughts tonight…