Why love until it hurts?

Here I sit. I have a fever, sweats then chills, utter weakness, and strep bacteria coating my tonsils. I’m exhausted and feeble. Bedridden. I’m worn out and sick. I hurt from body aches, headaches, and knee aches. There is this extreme pain when I swallow.  I want my parents and my dog. I need encouragement from my friends. I desperately need rest.

So why am I so sick? There was a chain of events recently that led to my recent demise of health. They went a little like this….

Sleep is not always impossible to get around here, but that has not been the case in the recent weeks. Night after night of broken periods of sleep have proved their fatal effect on my wellbeing. Please don’t take my next thoughts as complaining because I truly appreciate the opportunity to get to work with such precious children. This is just an honest reality of life here in Haiti some times. The joy always will outweigh the suffering. I hope you see both today.

Marck, our treasured baby who has been living with us with his mom, is still under our roof. Marck H. Finley is undoubtedly adorable. His respiratory symptoms have generally cleared up, but his oxygen saturations have stayed in the low 80’s, even on high levels of oxygen. We suspect that he has a possible heart defect and are working on getting him an echocardiogram to see what we can do to help him. Our love for him is undisputable, but this love has cost us many hours of sleep. Almost every night for the past week and a half, we would be called down to his room to help solve a dropping oxygen mystery. One night, we ended up having to work on him from 2 am until our work began the next morning. Perhaps the sleep deprivation started there…

But why love until it hurts?

He holds his own oxygen mask. His tiny fingers wrap around the tubing or stretch around the mask. I am pretty sure he is about as adorable as they come. He is worth every ounce of energy invested in him to allow him to have a shot at life.

Then two weekends ago there was a trip to Port Au Prince to help a gorgeous girl named Tania get a surgery to close her cleft lip. That night left with me with zero minutes of sleep to add to my account. Her nervous mother played loud music all in response to the fearful unknown of the surgery for her daughter. So why was it worth it to return to Cap Haitian far more exhausted than I left?

Tania can finally eat normal and actually have a chance to grow. At eight months old, her life will be forever changed. She no longer will be shunned or looked at differently. Her wonderful mother now has the opportunity to watch Tania live fully.

The true test of my endurance started on Friday, when the other nurse Amy had to go to the Dominican Republic for several days with two babies who needed heart surgeries. This was the night when I literally got two hours of sleep and had to jump in full force the next morning. The day was busy, but that evening proved to be the most intense. Our little Marck started turning blue and his oxygen saturation started dropping to unbelievable lows. We had every piece of rescue equipment we could find in that room, and he just barely pulled through. The strength of his mother blew me away once again. I do not actually know how Marck survived that episode besides pure prayer. He was against all odds and once again proved to be our Miracle Baby.

The next day all mayhem broke loose when we discovered just how many of our children suddenly were seriously ill. There was vomiting, massive amounts of diarrhea, unbelievably high fevers, and wheezing. A solid number of our children were in desperate need of close monitoring and care. The day was solidly exhausting, but the evening once again came with a collapse. A medically-fragile girl spiked a temperature of 104.7*F and needed to be rushed to the hospital. To describe the admission process at the hospital as frustrating is an understatement. Hours and hours of waiting for someone to care about the extremely delicate health state of our invaluable girl placed its toll on my energy. I just wanted somebody to recognize just how sick she was and how desperately she needed quick intervention. The next morning, we received the phone call that she had passed away. She had passed away. News like this hurts. A lot.

At the same time, we had a small baby who was ill, a malnourished and sickly child suffering from high fevers, and a girl refusing to drink for several days. We were doing everything we could to help restore their health, but it was draining us of everything we had. By Monday afternoon, I started feeling feverish and sick. Within an hour, my temperature quickly rose and I was on the ground shivering under blankets. All this “love” finally took me out once and for all. My body said stop. And it was not going to let me out of it this time. I’ve been in bed ever since.

So why pour your heart into something until it hurts? A greater good. A cause outside of yourself. A opportunity to watch lives transformed. A 6 lbs baby holding his own oxygen mask….

I leave to go home in a matter of hours. I get to hug, cuddle, and find strength and restoration once again in my parents, siblings, friends, and my dog, BENNY!!! For the first time in many weeks, I will finally have a day off. Thank God for love that drove these last few days of chaos, and thank God for the resulting "pain". There is a different appreciation when love hurts or makes you sick. The honest truth is, right now, I am desperate for family. I am desperate for rest.

So here I go on a plane tomorrow to take me to the most wonderful place called home! The chaos will be escaped by me for a few short weeks. I even get to cuddle of with my SOOOOOO CUTE puppy day in and day out.... :) Home sweet home... here I come!

A whisper as loud as a scream

A poison of the brain. A heart turning viciously inside of a chest. A soul broken by "honesty".

I have recently realized I can be a dangerous person. I mean a really dangerous individual. I subconsciously can be ferocious. I can be fierce. I can be cruel. The urge to be those things can feel unstoppable because it is such a rich source of pleasure…. Fleeting pleasure.

Haiti is a time for me to learn things about myself, and sadly, this is one long-time learned. Ever since I was in junior high, I knew I could be a dangerous girl. Why?  When I was presented with the temptation of a girl’s treacherous path that leads to temporary inflated sense of self, I’d let those cunning words slip from my mouth. Faces would light up with the newest information. Eyes of disgust now had a place to fall upon. It felt guiltless and witty. For a moment that is….

But years of being a fighting one of the most vicious temptations known to the whole women-kind has taught me time and time again that it has to stop. The back-talking. The snide comments. The looks and the eye-rolling. Do I do these things? I love people and I promise I do not want to, but I have heard myself say things I’d never want repeated. I can honestly tell you that this is not who I am and this is not who I was raised to be, but a girl in a girl’s world is faced with gossip every day.

It is a horrifying snake. The temptation to think poor thoughts about someone waits eagerly at your lips. If you open your mouth just wide enough to even whisper a malicious opinion about someone, it can slither out and now it is free. It is free to poison other minds… innocent minds, tempted minds, and sound minds all the same. The damage is done the second it escapes. One thing is for sure… it is toxic and destroying.

So where did all this come from tonight?

I was listening to a song called “How He Loves Us” and a particular lyric set stood out to me this evening…

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us

For whatever reason, the line about the heart turning violently inside of the chest reminded me of the passion we humans possess. Not only the immense capacity of our hearts to love and understand, but also the distressing ability to judge and critique. Hearing this song about God’s irrepressible love made me think about how I view others. His grace to me went to them too. He didn’t choose just me to save. Nor did He choose just me to forgive my shortcomings, humor my mistakes, or adore my gifts and personality. The way He looks at me is exactly the way He looks at everyone else. That does not make me any less special, it just means that the way He views our worth is astonishing in the most paramount fashion. For me to look upon another human being and decide what I do and don’t like about them is a bit absurd. Yet it is far more illogical for me to claim to follow my God passionately and not view the ones He incalculably loves with the most grace-filled eyes.

I don’t know how many times a day you are faced with the same temptation I am. There would never be enough energy to count the times I have stopped respecting someone enough to mar their reputation with my very own lips.

We often feel pity for those with special needs who won’t get the same opportunities in life as we do. But tonight I realized they possess pure souls not stained by the same temptations we succumb to… they will never will hit another person in anger, never will critique someone deserving of respect, and never will knowingly wound the heart of another with cruel words behind their back or just thoughts of judgment. I can think of one boy who lives here in particular who would never do a soul any harm, but always can find a way to light up the whole room with his smile and glowing eyes. There is warmth in him and a light that is hard to explain. There is an incredible blessing to his life.

So here are thoughts from a girl’s world… Men often say women are complicated, so here is a little insight for you. We are continuously tempted with sharp tongues and harsh words; with looks that empower us while destroying the reputation of someone else. It is easier to criticize than appreciate.

But today I’m going to attempt to take something from this…  instead of just singing about how much He loves us, I want to put it into practice. I want to carefully watch the words that fall from my mouth and the thoughts that creep in to judge the ones that grace falls upon. It will be a daily struggle and a relentless battle, but one that I think I’m old enough to fight.

To finish things off in a coherent fashion, I thought I’d like to throw in a picture of a totally random and even more so cute baby for the day…. J! Think of it as your prize for finishing reading my disturbing soul-searching thoughts tonight…

Miracle Marc.

Do you know the treasure of one life? I don’t know how to put this into words, but the ultimate preciousness of lives never ceases to blow me away. Today forever engrained that in my brain…

Only 4 months old, at only 6 lbs, Marc is a miracle baby. Want to know why?

Well Marc has a mom who loves him so very much; she sought help when her four-month old son was extremely malnourished due to a condition in which she couldn’t breastfeed. Children of the Promise admitted her in to the Formula Program to help save his life from starvation, but today took that “life-saving” clause to a whole new level.

Marc’s mother came in today to trade out her empty milk cans for new formula. It technically was not her day to come, but she brought him in anyway thankfully. She mentioned he had a fever and a cough, and when we checked his weight, he had hardly gained anything at all. Nikki and I thought it would be best to see just how the mother made the bottle and try out a different nipple for the bottle. Well, Marc immediately started choking on the little milk he was given and started coughing profusely. I listened to his lungs and heard wheezing, so we started a breathing treatment on him. Minutes later, when his oxygen saturation came on the screen, it was at a very scary low- 71%! His lips started turning blue and his skin turned dusky…. Oh, not good… not good at all. And now after the breathing treatment, his lung sounds turned from wheezing to what sounded like his lung were filled with thick secretions. He was coughing and choking, coughing and choking… again and again. His lungs started retracting really deep from every angle (NOT GOOD). Nikki quickly got Amy, and we started him on oxygen and began suctioning him out the best we could.

At 6 lbs at 4 months old, this baby did not exactly have a huge shot once he went into respiratory distress. On the highest level of oxygen we could possibly put him on and even with suctioning, he was still a blue baby with extremely low oxygen saturations (stayed around 70% for quite some time). He was not moving any air in most of his lungs when he would breathe. Finally, Jenn joined us and started using a special tool to loosen the secretions in his lungs to allow him to expel the mucus. Nikki got a bag and mask ready and held a second source of oxygen over his face. Amy effectively suctioned out his lungs as often as she could without taking too much oxygen away. I got ready to put an IV in to help get him fluids to loosen up his lungs and give him energy to keep fighting for life. Intensity filled the room. This was truly a team effort to go down in the books!!!

This whole time we are rushing around trying to get this baby to keep going, the mother was a constant. She was strong and courageous… she held her tiny baby amidst all the madness and kept praying and singing with hope to be greatly admired. She never stopped praying or singing… she didn’t keep asking if her baby was going to be okay. She took that up with God and God alone. She trusted Him, and for that I cannot commend her enough. Tears in her eyes and a shaky voice, she lifted her baby up to God and His intervention. Her baby is a miracle baby. And this is why….

Once a scalp IV was placed and fluids were started, a peaceful spirit descended into the room. It just sort of came over us that this baby was going to live. The fluids are able to help water down the thick secretions so he is able to actually breathe. The oxygen was on full blast. And Jenn never stopped loosening up the thick rattles in his lungs for quite some time. We suspected him of having pneumonia, so we gave him an intramuscular antibiotic. He continued to need the highest level of oxygen possible because his oxygen saturations struggled to rise. But he’s getting better… he went from 80% to 88%. In just a few weeks, we are thankfully going to be able to take him to get an echocardiogram to evaluate if he possibly has a heart defect that is ultimate reason for his extremely low oxygen saturation. Both he and his mom will stay with us in our apartment tonight… in our modern day Haitian “hospital” in Jenn’s room at Children of the Promise :)! Our pharmacy has become a makeshift ER, and Jenn’s room truly has become an “ICU” for really sick babies. This is the first time we’ve taken a mom and baby couplet to stay with us since I’ve been here, but we wouldn’t dream of separating them after we observed the astonishing love this mom has for her baby. Marc's breathing has gone from retracting and desperate to calm and regular. He no longer struggles for air like he did this morning.

As exciting as the medical side of things happens to be, what is far more impressive is that when his mom and dad came back to visit him, the thing they requested was if we would pray and sing with them. In the pharmacy, a family praised God for their baby’s breath. Beyond that, we are so amazed at the nannies who work here who later came in his room to pray over him and sing songs of worship. They trailed in one by one to comfort the mother and give hope to her baby.

 He is a miracle baby. It is a miracle she ever came to us in the first place, it is a miracle that she came today, and it is a miracle we had four people to fight for his life when he turned blue. But most of all, it is a miracle that his life is surrounded by angels willing to pray for him and praise God through it all. Marc… a name to remember. He’s kind of a HUGE deal! J

Death has lost its sting

Oh… do I ever have a story to tell you!!

This story starts in a third world country… the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere to be exact. A place called Haiti. A place where food can be scarce and soap is not in many households. But let’s zero in… because this story takes place at a beautiful haven of hope and peace and life. A compound built to save sick babies from the devastations of poverty-stricken illnesses. Let’s take one more step closer to the story… we’ll go inside a pharmacy on this compound that hosts more supplies than I dreamed could exist in a third world country. A pharmacy that acts as an exam room, an area for medical resources, and, most importantly on this particular day, a make-shirt pediatric emergency room.

A baby was noted to have dark urine yesterday morning. This baby is relatively healthy since arrival, and had not even suffered from malnutrition in his early days. But dark urine is a bad sign to display because it means that dehydration probably already exists. We tried giving him a bottle of Pedialyte because we wanted to check his urine for perhaps an infection and see just how concentrated this baby was. But the urine sample didn’t come fast enough and we realized this baby was in need of an IV fast. Babies have a curve with dehydration- often by the time you see pretty obvious signs, they are on the slippery slope of quickly fading from your hands. Amy and I started looking for an IV, but his veins had already essentially disappeared. We kept trying to find a vein and going for whatever we could, but nothing was working and he started to stop responding well.

The situation had turned ominous and we both knew it. But just in the nick of time, in walks Jenn. We elected her to be the official pain-inflictor for the next precious moments and we desperately continued searching for an IV. If you can keep a baby crying and conscious, you have much better odds of coming out alive. She flicked fingers and toes and kept that baby crying relatively strong. What is incredibly interesting is that every time she’d look away and lose eye contact, that baby would start to go unconscious. It just blows my mind to understand JUST how incredibly important eye contact is to a baby. I seriously wonder if we didn’t have her keeping eye contact and inflicting pain on the baby if we would have just lost that baby. Jenn saved the day! But let’s continue on because this story is not close to being over yet…

Just days before, a wonderful doctor (Jeff Monda) had brought us something called intraosseous IVs for situations exactly as critical as this. This baby was essentially coming in and out of life… but neither Amy nor I had ever put an intraosseous IV in before. This type of IV has to go all the way into the bone marrow in just an exact spot on their tiny legs. This baby needed this IV or he was not going to make it, so we pulled out the big, terrifying needle and prayed to God to help us. I calculated it out the best I could and pushed it into his leg- from what I could feel, I thought it maybe went in. Let me preface this with that I was shaking--- like REALLY shaking. Adrenaline pumping. Life or death. Here we go….

As I pulled the needle out to see if I was in the bone, my hand could barely steady the needle enough to let go of it to set it done. We attached the flush and attempted to see if we were in, but it didn’t flush super easy so I tried pulling it out a little bit… just that tiny bit of messing with it made it come right out and we depressingly realized we might not have many options left now. Amy grabbed another intraosseous IV and pushed in his other knee.. at this point, this baby was getting sternal rubs every other second to keep him totally leaving us and keeping his heart going. The IV flushed decently and we felt like the world was going to be okay… so we hooked this IV up to fluids and started the bolus—seconds later, we realized the IV was infiltrating and we had to pull it immediately. As depressing as it was to have lost those IVs, we realized that the pain had done him a world of good in terms of staying with us. So we went back to searching for anything… ANYTHING to start an IV in. NO such luck.

Moments were getting more and more threatening. We hadn’t given up, what options did we have left? This baby’s eyes were rolling back and he’d just be gone essentially. Jenn stayed with him and kept giving him sternal rubs and flicks everywhere she could find that was painful. Then… then it happened….

(Now let me start with this next part of the story is very true, just slightly exaggerated in true Sanguine fashion………..!)

That moment had come when we knew that baby didn’t have any fight left. We all knew it. We knew if we didn’t get that baby fluids at that moment, it was it. Survival is a fight hard won sometimes. That moment held a mixture of honest prayer, tearing open another intraosseous IV package, and suctioning out the vomiting that also comes with those final moments. I leapt across the pharmacy, needle out and ready to discover bone marrow once and for all… uncalculated. Unprepared. It felt like it went in, but so did it the times before….. I pulled the needle out and saw no blood. My heart dropped…

But then… then it happened! Bone marrow slowly crept out of its hiding place and showed its crimson face… It had worked! The final ninja moves to barely make it in time had actually worked! By this time, our supplies were so scattered and disorganized that it seemed impossible to find what we needed to get him a bolus. But Amy did it… at the exact second when the bone marrow was about to exit the catheter, she handed me exactly what I needed to hook up a bolus of fluids.

We still had to keep giving him sternal rubs to keep him breathing---- moments felt like seconds, or it could have been seconds that felt like moments… I’m not sure how long it was until the bolus worked and he stopped rolling his eyes back. But I do know this… moments turned into hours of holding this intraosseous IV in place… on that cold pharmacy floor, Jenn sat holding the baby and I sat holding the IV in place while Amy stood up on a cabinet so the IV bag of fluids could have the highest pressure to get into this baby fast. In that room there was three girls… just 22, 23, and 24. Barely out of college. Hardly qualified to anything close to what we do sometimes. But God uses us, despite our weaknesses and inexperience, to do things that we’d never do on our own otherwise.

This next picture is an adorable picture of Amy's faithful hand serving as a pillow for this baby to rest on for quite some time and Jenn's hand serving as a faithful hand to cling to for the baby's next precious moments of life....

For 6 hours we stayed with the baby. We were not losing that baby that day. Once we had him stable enough, we all had a good ol’ Haitian bottle of Coca Cola and rice and beans and laughed and felt relieved as we talked. I’m not sure if this is exactly correct, but that baby had died several times over earlier that morning. You can't help but laugh out of relief that that he survived such a violent episode. Finally after some time, we finally found a single vein in his scalp to start an IV on. As soon as we had that one, I had to switch over the fluids pretty quickly. As soon as I disconnected the fluids from the intraosseous IV, the bone marrow started seeping its way towards the exit. I (as the story goes..) yelled for Jenn to quickly pull it… According to rumor, she didn’t know how to pull it out, but urgency in my voice told her to make her move quickly. And she did. All was well.

So there it is… The infamous story of a day better spent! The story of ninja moves and life actually defeating death! The story of three college age girls in a third world country praying away the demons of fatality. But most of all, it is the story of a baby that God shed His blood to save… it is a story quite appropriate for Easter as that baby found life “after” death because of a God who has long since destroyed the sting of evil’s ultimate kiss.

Lives better off alive...

Today I was entering who visited which child into their medical files and I realized something that just blew me away… not in a surprised sort of way, but appreciative sort of way.

You see, the most common “name” who came to visit the different children was the grandmother. But when I started to think about it, it WAS always a grandmother who came with unmatched joy and love for her baby grandchild. Her face would come alive at the first site of that baby coming around the corner and she’d reach out with overly eager arms to hold them. Grandmothers would often come the most loyally out of all the family members. Their uncompromised love and devotion to the tiny reflection of their lives always reminded of the purity of a grandmother’s love. I can say the same about my grandmothers…. They host a special love that only they can bestow on their grandkids. It is something about the twinkle in a grandma’s eyes when she proudly looks upon her legacy that strikes me so strongly. I have always been aware of the treasure of a grandmother, but in the recent years I have truly found the extreme value of them. Time with grandmas is different than anyone else, and the way they love their families no matter where they end up never ceases to amaze me.

Speaking of AMAZING…. Today I had the absolute honor of meeting twin babies that have defied all odds! I met a set of premature twins who were born in their very humble home who weighed probably around 4 lbs at birth. Because their birth was in their home, that means that there was no fancy equipment, no “sterile” environment, no team of medical professionals… they were just born the God-given way and in a God-given simple structure with one tiny room for a whole host of people. When I met them today, they were just almost a month old. I had no idea what we were going to walk into when we left to visit them because we heard they were tiny, tiny babies. Odds were, being so premature, they probably didn’t have a strong enough suck to get milk from their mama so we thought they might be extremely malnourished and dehydrated.

But God’s grace on their lives is incredible… we walked in to see two of the most precious bundles laying in a corner………..

The truth was that they were as healthy as can be! They had a strong suck and a strong fight for life! They both were likely gaining weight because they weighed just over 4 lbs and filled out nicely for their premature status. It amuses me sometimes to think of how much God protects His children—in the US, these babies would have been born in a sterile environment with a whole host of doctors and nurses, probably with the NICU on hold! But here I was, walking into a “Haitian hut” where premature babies took their first breath, and they were thriving and healthy! They hardly had a clean environment to manage those first few days, but their tiny immune systems were JUST strong enough to fight for life! This is the girl, Julia-

And this is the boy (Julio) who is with my dear friend Nikky—

No joke, those babies stole our hearts! How often do you get to hold 4 lbs boy-girl twins in a third world country who were happy and healthy!? They had no heart murmur, no diarrhea, no complaints! We will check them again on Monday to make sure they are gaining weight and still healthy, but something tells me these babies have a miraculous life ahead of them after that miraculous birth!

I saw a different Haiti today when we went to see those babies. I saw sustainability despite odds, new homes being built, and people hard at work. It is interesting to live in country so diverse. They have a different set of problems than America or Canada, but I’d have to also say that they have a different set of joys. Families are everything to Haitians- they all live, eat, and experience life today for all their days. They may be hungry, but I don’t see a starvation of spirit and loneliness like I see in America sometimes. They may be “dirty” and poor, but they have a different set of pure moral codes for how to life out their life. They may not all have educations, but I see parents working extremely hard to offer a better life for their children. You can look at Haiti in many ways—but it is a place filled with people who can feel every extreme of joy and the deepest level of pain just like everyone else. Living here just makes me aware the profound need to treat all people with respect. It makes me feel the pain of not having a best friend to always turn to or family to find familiar faces in. I’ve realized in myself and by watching others that everyone has an innate desire to feel important, needed, cherished, and accepted. To not feel those things brings a cover over your spirit in the sense of emptiness. Babies need to feel those things; toddlers, teenagers, working adults, and elderly all need to feel those essential things.

If you take nothing else from this blog, just remember to make the people surrounding your life feel like they are priceless gifts from God… because, truth be told, God gave you them as just exactly that.

Eyes as empty as their tummy...

Skin and bones. Lethargy. An inability to play, smile, or feel confident in their surroundings. Clinging to the little life they barely have left…. Too weak to learn, or even cry. Too feeble to stand or crawl. Starvation is an evil that plagues many countries- it quietly kills, it can wipe out families, it sneaks its way into innocent bellies.

In the recent days, we have admitted quite a few babies who were suffering from exactly this. I never really understood just how much it affects lives until I saw it first-hand lately. Starvation lowers a person’s ability to fight off disease, which can lead to vomiting and diarrhea that are quick to spiral to a deathly state. But even if it doesn’t get that far, it still destroys energy and spirit. In the short time that I’ve lived in Haiti, this is the pattern I’ve seen with malnutrition….

A child comes in at a weight far below their peers their same age: 10 lbs at almost 2 years old, 6 lbs at 5 months, etc. Keep in mind that a newborn baby can weigh 10 lbs! So essentially these babies are either seriously behind in terms of growth or have gone backwards since birth. The five month old baby who came in cannot even hold her head up without support, so she is about at the developmental level of a newborn. Malnourished children come in and you can see every single rib. When you hold them, you feel nothing but bone. They often have an empty look in their eyes. Generally, they don’t smile like a normal child would. What is actually worse is that they often don’t even have the strength to cry in response to normal triggers. Today I changed a 20 month old girl who could fit into diapers that would be even too small for some newborns. One boy who we admitted recently was so sick from malnutrition that his sodium level was off and he trembled all the time and his eyes would roll back in his head. If you put toys in front a child who is severely malnourished, they just sit there completely disconnected from a childhood sense of wonder. They have no desire to invest energy they just don’t have in activities beyond surviving. They can’t learn to develop normally because they don’t have the strength- the strength to hold their head up; the strength to stand, crawl or walk.

Thankfully there’s a second part to these stories… because, you see, God created this amazing thing called food. Calories, fat, protein, carbs… you need those to survive. Simple truth, but honestly it is interesting to watch lives transformed by even just one day of food. Once admitted, they get to wear adorable clothes and have consistent bottles of milk and meals. They get to be cuddled in loving arms and sleep on soft mattresses. They slowly find the liveliness to lift their cheeks into a smile. Their fragile legs shake as they stand for the first time. As days go by, children come alive! We admitted one boy who was 2 years old and only 14 lbs- he could only sit at that time. Just a short time later, we found him smiling as he would start to explore the world around him- crawling!!! Weeks later, he actually pulled himself up to stand by a bench! His skinny legs barely host the muscle to do this, but he’s getting there with each day of nutrition. After they start getting treatment, the diarrhea ceases as their immune system comes alive again.

Just today I felt a moment of what it felt like to be in state of “hunger”- I was dizzy and couldn’t concentrate. I struggled to respond to things quickly and I felt awful. I didn’t want to walk, smile, or do anything really. I realized how much worse it must be for people suffering from actual starvation. No wonder they cannot learn or find work- without food, you literally can’t function. There is something called Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs- and without food, water, and safety, you can’t function higher than just surviving. It is interesting to think in a country where we know that work and education could change their lives, but without first having the food to provide the energy to learn or work, it is impossible for them to do this. But it is a tough cycle because without work or education, what means do they have to obtain food?

An interesting thing I have also seen again and again here is when there are twins, one is generally very malnourished and the other is relatively healthy. It makes me wonder why this is so. Is it perhaps because the parents understand that they only have so much, so one might as well get most of the food instead of them both being equally sick and malnourished. But can you imagine being the twin neglected? Can you imagine the horrifying reality that your life was not valued as highly as another’s? It gives whole new meaning to the phrase “life isn’t fair”.

I don’t think I could ever sufficiently describe the dark extent that starvation exists in Haiti. More importantly, I can’t fully describe the transformation of a life so far gone into a life so full of hope. It never ceases to amaze me when I see skinny, weak babies become strong, healthy chunksters!  Take Udashka for example--- she first came to us as a 6 pound baby at 4 months old. She was covered in scabies and sores and only skin and bone! Just a short 2 months later, she has gained over 4 lbs and looks like a normal, healthy baby!

She smiles all the time and full of life. Her skin is clearing up beautifully and she has a momma who loves her dearly. If you haven’t learned this by now, Udashka is one of my favorite babies in the world! This past time I saw her, I gave her a little teddy bear. She grasped it in her tiny hands and smile, which made my heart about explode. I told her mom that she needs to tell Udashka when she’s older that the teddy bear is from a girl who once gave her milk and loved her very, very much when she was just a tiny baby! Once Udashka “graduates” from our formula program, I probably won’t see her ever again. I only hope that her momma never lets her forget how precious she was when she was just a little thing.

Udashka is an example of hope for Haiti. So many people love and seek to help those in need, and she is a success story of untold generosity. It makes me so happy to see that resources do exist when there is no where left to turn. Starvation can be triumphed, just like every other evil in this world will be someday! It reminds me an incredible song that goes like this….

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

Jwa, jwa, jwa.... (Joy, joy, joy!)

If you do nothing else in this world, please bring joy. Joy from the inside out...

Every morning here I go for a walk at 6 am around the area right outside of the compound. ALMOST every morning I see an older farmer who has grey hair and a very thin, short body worn from working hard his whole life. He swings a machette at his side to cut down his sugar cane. When I see him coming, I seriously get hyped. You see, this man is one of my favorite people in Haiti I've decided.

Every single time when I've seen him, I say a greeting of "Bonjou" or "Bonswa" and nod at him. Every single time I do this, he smiles huge and replies in a loud voice "yeaaaahhh, okaaaaaay"! He keeps swinging his farm tool at his side and keeps on walking. It is honestly the highlight of some of my days here, and it certainly was today! He is just the most joyful man and he makes me feel like exploding from happiness inside. I don't know his story because our interactions (though they've been many!) consistent simply of hello and his infamous "yeaaaah, okaaaay" with huge, toothless grin on his face! But that doesn't change the fact that he can make me laugh out loud every time I see. He brings complete joy to my mornings and days... and I bet he has no idea he does this! Out of all my "blessings" from today, the joy of this man was by far the greatest. I know for sure that his presence in Heaven will also be the greatest. It isn't about the people who have done huge things, but the people who did things with love and joy in their heart.

I once read a true story about a missionary that arrived in a new country and felt a bit out of place. She went to a church where she didn't know any one or any of their language. Yet after the service, an older woman rushed up to her and handed her a pair of hand-knit socks. She gave them to this missionary with a huge smile on her face and true joy in her heart. Later the missionary found out that this woman would take much care in lovingly knitting a pair of socks for each new person who came to that church. She did it out of love for people she had not even met. Out of sheer joy for serving God. It made such a difference in this missionary's heart that, at a later date when asked to write something for a book, she told this exact story. Imagine that! All the years of serving in a foreign country with brilliant minds coming up with brilliant projects doing huge things, but the missionary was most affected by a woman with incredible joy to do the most simple of tasks out of love.

I have realized that if I cannot get the simple task of joyfully doing the small tasks, I'd be all wrong for this job. If I do the most important of tasks here, but can't take a moment to sit down and hold a lonely baby because my heart overfills with love and joy, then it really means nothing. I think about the simple man and the simple woman who can bring incredible life to the world around them just by their smiles... and how much respect I have for them. Honestly, I have much more respect and desire to be around someone who has incredible joy than someone who has incredible "success". Joy is not threatening. Joy doesn't make you feel out of place or unimportant. It is unassuming, but infectious. It draws people in, makes someone's day, and uplifts weary spirits. I think of how excited I am to see a toothless grin open wide and a loud "yeaaaaaaaaah okaaaaaay!" tomorrow and know for sure that joy is priceless for the soul!

 If you are going to do anything in this life, try to bring joy to the world around you. While you probably will never know the lasting effect you have on people, they will. You don't have to fake happiness, but watch those that have true joy. They take pleasure in what humble tasks set before them, pride in their work, and a peace in their soul. They appreciate more, complain less. They are mentally present with those in their world at the moment, because people who feel love & pain matter much more than any other task that exists.

Joy and love are far more important in your job than we'll understand on this earth. Be infectious with contentment. Be a source of life and energy. Appreciate everything a little more. By the time all is said and done, you will have probably been watched by a thousand weary lives who were in need of hope that day.

Have you ever lost a life before?

Have you ever heard the song “Coming Home” by P. Diddy? A part I distinctly remember in it is a line that goes… “Have you ever lost a life before?”. That line repeated over and over in my head this morning…

This morning we lost a life. A baby who was growing and happy. A baby who was healthy and beautiful. Last night she was okay. But before the sun rose, she was extremely sick. We did everything we could to save her, but she stopped breathing anyway. We prayed for her. We fought for her. But she stopped breathing nonetheless….

We lost a life.

But she is God’s baby. She always has been, still is, and always will be. He never lost her life…  He just gets to hold her precious soul now Himself. For a time, He let us hold her, love her, and take care of her… but she got to go home today. Hope was found in Heaven today.

The severe diarrhea and vomiting must have spread, because five more of our babies needed to be treated for the same thing today. One after another, they were brought to us by their nannies with the babies’eyes sunken in and lethargic. We’d start IVs on them and then give them fluids all day.  We began a mini 5-bed hospital in Jenn’s apartment room. We had IV fluid bags hanging off the ceiling, window hooks, and a couple off an IV pole. Because the children were so sick, we’d be changing diapers almost nonstop between the five of them. No wonder they were so badly dehydrated… they had nothing left in them. Again, one by one they improved greatly and their fontanels filled back out and their eyes looked normal. There is hope for their time here on earth. Five lives of hope.

This afternoon, a prenatal class went on. They taught about the topics to prevent the troubles that can plague the pregnancies in third world countries. We even have prenatal vitamins to assist with healthy pregnancies. Once the babies are born, the babies are weighed and can consult with a nurse here if they are sick. Thankfully, the vitamins and teaching seems to work well because the babies come in fat and healthy! Today, they got to pick out clothes for their newborn babies, their other children, and sometimes themselves. They don’t have much generally, and these clothes will be a huge blessing to them. These moms are being responsible and attending classes that help them provide the best life they can for their new baby on the way. These babies have a chance at a healthy start in life and some resources to help with exactly that. It makes me so happy to know these moms have newfound confidence in their struggle.

Today I saw unsettling sickness and incredible healing. I saw joy, and I saw pain. I saw life, and I saw death. Through it all, there is peace. There is a never-ending thankfulness to get to be a part of these lives. Life here is not easy, but honestly it is not hard. After we watched a baby die, I got to walk around the corner and see another boy light up because we are there. He giggled and reached out for me because he knows he is loved to fullest extent. He was healthy and happy! God gives us such precious children to take care of for this time, and it is beyond amazing to see the beginning of their journey.

Suddenly losing a healthy baby girl is not something I expected to experience when the knock came at 5 this morning. I couldn’t understand why we could pray and plead, but God still didn’t grant us the life of an innocent girl. But I just need to understand these children are HIS children first. While He may allow us an opportunity to love them, we can’t always keep them here with us on earth when He needs them home.

So, have you ever lost a life before? Here’s the other part to that song:

 “I’m coming home. I’m coming home.

Tell the world that I’m coming home.

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday.

And though Your kingdom awaits, and you’ve forgiven my mistakes..

I’m coming home… I’m coming home.

After all of my shortcomings, welcome to my HOMECOMING…”

God’s baby girl just finally made it home.

Have you ever lost a life before?

Have you ever heard the song “Coming Home” by P. Diddy? A part I distinctly remember in it is a line that goes… “Have you ever lost a life before?”. That line repeated over and over in my head this morning…

This morning we lost a life. A baby who was growing and happy. A baby who was healthy and beautiful. Last night she was okay. But before the sun rose, she was extremely sick. We did everything we could to save her, but she stopped breathing anyway. We prayed for her. We fought for her. But she stopped breathing nonetheless….

We lost a life.

But she is God’s baby. She always has been, still is, and always will be. He never lost her life…  He just gets to hold her precious soul now Himself. For a time, He let us hold her, love her, and take care of her… but she got to go home today. Hope was found in Heaven today.

The severe diarrhea and vomiting must have spread, because five more of our babies needed to be treated for the same thing today. One after another, they were brought to us by their nannies with the babies’eyes sunken in and lethargic. We’d start IVs on them and then give them fluids all day.  We began a mini 5-bed hospital in Jenn’s apartment room. We had IV fluid bags hanging off the ceiling, window hooks, and a couple off an IV pole. Because the children were so sick, we’d be changing diapers almost nonstop between the five of them. No wonder they were so badly dehydrated… they had nothing left in them. Again, one by one they improved greatly and their fontanels filled back out and their eyes looked normal. There is hope for their time here on earth. Five lives of hope.

This afternoon, a prenatal class went on. They taught about the topics to prevent the troubles that can plague the pregnancies in third world countries. We even have prenatal vitamins to assist with healthy pregnancies. Once the babies are born, the babies are weighed and can consult with a nurse here if they are sick. Thankfully, the vitamins and teaching seems to work well because the babies come in fat and healthy! Today, they got to pick out clothes for their newborn babies, their other children, and sometimes themselves. They don’t have much generally, and these clothes will be a huge blessing to them. These moms are being responsible and attending classes that help them provide the best life they can for their new baby on the way. These babies have a chance at a healthy start in life and some resources to help with exactly that. It makes me so happy to know these moms have newfound confidence in their struggle.

Today I saw unsettling sickness and incredible healing. I saw joy, and I saw pain. I saw life, and I saw death. Through it all, there is peace. There is a never-ending thankfulness to get to be a part of these lives. Life here is not easy, but honestly it is not hard. After we watched a baby die, I got to walk around the corner and see another boy light up because we are there. He giggled and reached out for me because he knows he is loved to fullest extent. He was healthy and happy! God gives us such precious children to take care of for this time, and it is beyond amazing to see the beginning of their journey.

Suddenly losing a healthy baby girl is not something I expected to experience when the knock came at 5 this morning. I couldn’t understand why we could pray and plead, but God still didn’t grant us the life of an innocent girl. But I just need to understand these children are HIS children first. While He may allow us an opportunity to love them, we can’t always keep them here with us on earth when He needs them home.

So, have you ever lost a life before? Here’s the other part to that song:

 “I’m coming home. I’m coming home.

Tell the world that I’m coming home.

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday.

And though Your kingdom awaits, and you’ve forgiven my mistakes..

I’m coming home… I’m coming home.

After all of my shortcomings, welcome to my HOMECOMING…”

God’s baby girl just finally made it home.

Suffering.

I’d like to begin with a brilliant observation I had today. It goes like this: Hips are made for carrying babies around on. God had a design in mind when he made a woman’s body because a little one can fit PERFECTLY on the side of a woman. Like exactly… to the T! I realized this today as I was hustling around trying to get a lot done, while I still had a sick baby who I did not want to leave. I just popped him on my hip, had one arm free to do whatever work I needed to do, and wa-la! Simple and convenient… God designed girls right! So the next time you are thinking that your hips are too big, remember how God designed you that way!!! You were designed for a beautiful purpose, and it is awful nice to have some hips to hold kids up on when you’ve got a million other things to do J.

Speaking of sick kids, we have had a few of those recently. It started with one boy who started throwing up every single thing he’d take in… this went on for a morning and afternoon, but then we decided to stop giving him fluids by mouth and just start an IV for him. Dehydration in children is dangerous… their little bodies need the fluids regulated very closely or it can be deadly. Once we had the IV in him, he started on the long journey back to health. In fact, he’s still on that journey… slowly but surely he’s coming around.

The next day, one after another started throwing up and we decided to make a bit of an infirmary out of one of the extra rooms in the guest house. Not wanting to keep spreading the bug to every other child staying out in the baby house, we would isolate the children with similar symptoms to our little makeshift “infirmary”. Now, truth be told, I’m pretty proud of our infirmary. We had two kids with IVs, lots of Pedialyte, Clorox wipes, and diapers galore. In just a matter of a morning and afternoon, two amazing Canadian volunteers and I cleaned up more vomit and diarrhea off ourselves and the floor then we’d like to recall. But by nightfall, we returned a few of the children back to baby house because their symptoms were relieved. The rest stayed in our rooms away from the other children for another night. To my very pleasant surprise, I got a boy named Givens……..

Givens is a special boy. Case in point: when they announced that Givens would be staying with me that night, I hurried to our “infirmary” as fast as I could to pick him up. When I arrived, there he was in all his smiling glory…. His face just completely and entirely encompassed in joy! GIVENS!!!!!! I think I can say this without sounding too conceited: Givens loves me almost as much as I love him!!!!! This little guy turned one year old the day after I arrived in Haiti, and I remember how incredibly tiny he was compared to the boy who he shared a birthday with. I am pretty sure he’s about half the size…. That day on his birthday I was still brand new here so I decided to just pick him up and start playing with him. We bonded that day, and the bonding hasn’t stopped since!

Givens is known for his smile. He smiles with his entire face so much that he squints his eyes (squinty eyes… where have we seen THAT before? J) & he holds this face for a solid chunk of time! He is the most pleasant little guy. Oh how I wish I could show you pictures! So Givens and I retreated to my room and watched “Toy Story” until his bedtime, and he was so precious the way he would look at the screen and then look at me as if to see if I approve. Then when we woke up the next morning, we went for a walk before anyone else or any work called my name. Givens fit perfectly on my hip…. J

Do you remember a girl named Udashka that I’ve talked about before in a blog called “And I’d like to introduce you…”? Well Udashka comes every two weeks for a check-in as a part of the formula program. I’d just proudly like to show off my little Udashka now….

Before:

After:

Udashka is starting to recognize me now I believe, or perhaps more so would like to believe! She smiles and loves to be held. She turns 6 months during this week, and I hope her appetite continues to be all that it has been as she can venture into the world of soft solids instead of just milk. Udashka is going to grow up to be the loveliest girl. I think she’s going to touch many lives in Haiti… she just has that look in her eyes.

In the past few weeks, we have admitted a two year old who weighed only 14 lbs, a five month old who weighed only 6 lbs, and a six month old that weighed only 7 lbs. It is interesting to see how quickly they start gaining weight and filling out once they have a steady supply of food and care. It is incredible to be working somewhere that sees results like this!

This next story is devoted to my little sister Tessa, because of her heart for special needs children. Last Saturday, a girl was brought in that was extremely thin by her loving mother. She didn’t want to give her precious daughter up, but she wanted to see if we could help her when many doctors had turned her away. So Amy and I got to bring her back into our pharmacy for a listen to her story….

She was two years old and weighed a mere 14 lbs. This weight at two years old meant only skin, a tiny bit of muscle, and bone. She didn’t have the normal fat that a two year old should have. Her ribs were showing and she had extremely developed veins and muscles for her tiny body. Amy explained that seizures and muscle rigidity caused this. They burned up the calories all too quickly and left her body way too thin.

She also had cerebral palsy, which made it difficult for her to eat. She could not really suck, so the only way to really feed her was to pour fluid in her mouth from a cup. At this point, she was on no medicine and definitely not getting enough calories. So Amy evaluated the situation and decided we should help her out with an antibiotic, multivitamin, anti-seizure medication, and an extremely calorie-dense food called Medical Mamba. She taught the mom how to mix the peanut butter based food with water so that this girl could drink it from a cup. Sometimes mothers catch me off-guard with how thankful they are. This mom did just that! She seemed so grateful that finally someone (AMY!!!!) listened to her story and helped her suffering daughter regain some normalcy. It made me really appreciate Amy and her ability to listen to stories of brokenness in Creole. Hopefully someday soon I will be able to understand the language that way.

Beauty.

I once created a quote for myself that was this: “Beauty is underrated”. I never wanted to really utter those words out loud, out of fear that I’d unintentionally sound vain. But I’ve finally found the meaning behind that phrase that gives the idea sense….

Right now I’m holding a beautiful, beautiful little girl. She smiles with her eyes and her toothless mouth. She laughs when you sneak up to her and tickle her belly. Her tiny fingers clench around my wrists as I type. Her pretty little fingernails softly scrape my skin as she clenches and releases her precious little hands. She doesn’t really cry unless she ABSOLUTELY has to… She loves life, even at her tiny size. She loves exploring the world with her eyes because that’s about all she can do at the time. Someday soon, this beautiful, little girl will be sitting up and crawling- lighting up the entire room still with her smile. Her dark eyes sparkle with delight when I smack kisses on her cheeks. This girl is BEAUTIFUL!

We have a boy here who has a cerebral palsy. He LOVES being sung to and held. He smiles the sweetest smile when you give him love and attention. He wants you just to talk to him and involve him in what you are doing. The strength of his happiness is incredible. He suffers from exhausting seizures and not having parents to rub his back, but his is undeniably going to inherit so much in Heaven someday. This boy… this boy has a BEAUTIFUL spirit.

A boy lives here who I’m honestly addicted to his smile. I could spend all day trying to make him giggle the goofiest laugh that he possesses just to watch him scrunch up his face into the happiest state! His tiny legs wobble when I help him stand, but I’m positive he’ll be golden at standing and independently walking too soon! He has huge brown eyes and curls far prettier than ever seen on a girl! He is BEAUTIFUL!

There is a woman who comes in on a regular basis for assistance with medications. Her joy in life despite her very hard circumstances blows me away. She is totally and completely a peaceful woman in the sense that you feel at rest around her. She is filled with a lasting joy. She is, from the inside to the outside, BEAUTIFUL.

I know some pretty adorable boys here. And when I say adorable, I mean to the extreme. These two in particular are twin brothers and they are chunky, chunky babies. They make quite an impression on me because of their laidback sense of happiness. They giggle during hair washing when others would cry. They scoot around and try to stand up or explore their world- capturing hearts along the way. And they are heavy… heavy, heavy, heavy. I love carrying them around on my hip because they are just so solid! Needless to say, these guys are, I’ll switch it up, HANDSOME!

The other morning I took a walk as the sun was coming up. There was fog that was slowly disappearing as the sunlight chased it away. The mountains were luminous. Farmers were out hard at work in their fields. It was peaceful. Quiet. And Beautiful.

My dad has worked hard his whole life to give us a solid foundation for an honest life. He took us on adventures, held us when we cried, and loved us unconditionally. My dad is a really beautiful person. My mom is physically gorgeous. People always say this. But far beyond that, she gave up her entire life for her children. She sacrificed and sacrificed more until it hurt. She loved us, and she wanted us to know that. She wanted us to learn, be productive and intelligent, make wise choices, and have the best life she could give us. My mom is an incredibly beautiful person. My little sister Tessa is physically one of the cutest people you’ll ever meet. But she’s deep. She cares about people until it brings tears. Her patience and attitude in life carry her spirit to bring joy to peoples’ lives. She is without a doubt a beautiful person. My older brother loves his wife in a way that sets a high standard for everyone else, my sister-in-law courageously encourages when no one else will, my older sister puts “sister-time” on a whole new level, and her husband’s character and essence with people is unlike any other. My family is BEAUTIFUL!!!

I bet you can say the same about so much in your life. You have mothers, fathers, sisters, friends, stranger who you pass by… beautiful people. People who inspire rest by the character they possess. Sights that stop you in your tracks. Music that you replay over and over. Things that you can’t explain the “why” behind the reason they relax you or give you strength. But beauty is just that… and that is why it is underrated. True beauty should be sought after every day to bring the element of inspiration, gratitude, and amazement to our lives.

The reason I’m writing a blog about beauty is because I started reading a book called “Captivating”. It cultivated some thoughts about beauty, but what I learned in that book was something I wanted to share. It spoke about how women need and want to feel beautiful. That is the essence of a woman in fact. She wants to feel pursued, treasured, and lovely. It made me think about some of the modern day men. I feel like sometimes they miss that--- they stop pursuing their “princess” and stop going to great lengths to win over their hearts. Women deeply desire a man who does will stop at nothing to hold their precious soul for their time on this earth. The book also described how a man’s deepest desire is to be appreciated and supported. To not be stripped of their masculinity or made to feel anything less than a hero. They want to feel strong, successful, and important. They want a true woman, and women want a true man. This book goes into depth about God and how He helps fulfill us, but these opening thoughts in the book left a lasting impression on me. I thought a lot about just the modern day loss of the “beauty” and the “hero”. Over the past few years, I started thinking that what I needed to be was busy all the time, and always having important things to do. But this book taught me about how a beautiful characteristic in a woman is instead a sense of rest and peace… which I started to think about and, to my surprise, I realized how true this was. Women, no matter their personalities, are lovely when they bring nurture to those around them. My mom does, my aunts do, my friends do…. But then again, I DO know some beautiful women!! These women care for those in their lives, and far beyond deserving of being pursued by the man who loves them until their dying day. The men I know ARE in fact heroes—they provide, protect, provide adventure, and keep the world safe. They should be appreciated to no end, be told how needed they are, and feel supported every day.

I understand I’m hardly one to have experienced life enough to speak on this topic. But that’s sort of the BEAUTY (ha!) of it.. I haven’t become bitter from days gone by quite yet. I learn from the wiser, and try to understand this area of life before I find myself in a situation which I struggle to handle. I wish I could proclaim it from the mountaintops… WOMEN: Appreciate your men and support them! MEN: Make your woman feel like the most gorgeous woman in all the land, and pursue her with everything you’ve got!

I’ll start to sum up with this… This morning I went for a walk again. As I was in my own world thinking, I noticed a boy walking towards me who was missing his forearm. My mind immediately went to feeling sorry for him, thinking about how hard it must be for him to live like that. I’d imagine the ridicule he’d face at his young age. But as we were about to walk right past each other, he shyly glanced up. For just two seconds, I saw the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen in my life. His eyes were a golden brown, and GLOWING in the sunlight. They had a black rim around them. For the next ten minutes, I kept thinking about how incredibly gorgeous this young boy’s eyes were. It made me think again of beauty… if we choose to see people at the splendor they were created with, or if we always jump to feel pity for what we see as not whole about them.

Beauty is seeing something at the value that God created it to be. Beauty is appreciating what is actually there. It rest when you are weary of life. It is joy when hope seems bleak. Beauty is sunsets and sunrises, beaches and deserts, people and animals. It is tears when true devastation exists, it is the first smile a tiny baby sneaks at you, it is life after death, joy after pain, and hope after losing after losing everything. I’m learning a lot of things in Haiti, but I’ve certainly been learning more about beauty than I planned. Beauty is often vain, empty, ignored, or forgotten after years pass by. But it never should be tossed aside so carelessly because beauty is the essence of a woman, the design behind creation, and the fuel for a better life. Beautiful places and people with beautiful souls experience growth and resounding sustainability. It is the answer to prayers. Beauty IS underrated.